Relax guys, I’m not dead, I’m just not on Facebook. Yes, I am one of those people. You’ve heard of us, you may even know one of us. And contrary to what you may think, we are alive, we are happy and if you’re like me, and still have your Platinum Facebook Virginity, you really have no idea what the big deal is. Let’s take a look at what that life has been like.
I have spent years trying to figure out the David Phenomenon. Believe me I have. That’s why I’m writing this. Why, after I say my name, will people instantly light up and either A) Tell me their husband, son, uncle, brother, teacher’s dog is also named David or B) They themselves tell me their name is David?
We all scroll mindlessly through our various feeds and we can’t help but see the click bait headlines. Buzzfeed, Lifehack, Cosmo, LifeBuzz, MSN, Scoopwhoop (this is a thing?), it’s an endless list of daily tasks that we are doing wrong, that experts say we can do better, and let me teach you. If I choose to eat a pineapple the fruit makes it into my mouth, and if I decide that cake is my goal for the day, that too tends to get inside my mouth. As far as I am aware, I am eating, have not caught on fire, and am not bleeding out. So tell me dear sweet internet, am I really doing it that wrong? Really?
Why, oh why, are people wearing their shoes inside on TV and in movies? And I don’t mean just walking around, after coming in the door with the groceries and bringing them to the kitchen. No no. I mean full on lounging around the house in overstuffed chairs, on the couch, on the floor watching TV, and the biggest demon of them all, in your dear sweet clean soft fluffy bed. Are you triggered yet?
Have you ever been shopping in a store, any store really, and found something on display that seemed so out of place that it stopped you in your tracks? I don’t mean finding one of the many things people discard randomly from their grocery cart, we’ve all seen that before. And this situation in itself can certainly be hilarious.
